New Years Eve

Albert and I have been invited to a party this morning and I have been instructed to drink orange juice, why?

We are partying this evening too so I shall ring Veronica early (before I start drinking orange juice) to wish her well for next year.

Easter Eggs

Easter eggs in the shops and I have not eaten my Christmas cake yet.

Next Year

Veronica wants us to meet every month next year, it will never work.

Still arguing with my keep fit equipment.

Keeping Fit

Father Christmas kindly brought me a keep fit board  – I started at an assessed age of 69, then 75 and now I am 84; I shall invite Veronica to join me and we can compare ages.

Lost Peas

I was convinced  I had a large bag of frozen peas – I had put it in the fridge by mistake; Albert will have to eat pea soup tomorrow.

Albert also reminded me that I promised him pepper sauce with his steak and batter less onions for Christmas Day, I forgot; he can cook dinner next year.

Veronica

I saw Veronica in the distance and waved, she did not see me which was good as I fell off the pavement and dropped my shopping; my pride was only dented.  I collected my things and telephoned her but it was too late she had caught the bus – we will meet for coffee or similar next year.

Sprouts

James Martin a well known Yorkshire Chef suggests that you stir fry your sprouts, I trusted him and all was well until I had the second glass of wine and burnt the sprouts; and the batter fell off my onions. 

Albert did not notice, did I tell you that there was only Albert and I and Elvis for Christmas – Elvis loves his cheese treats.

We have not pulled the crackers yet as I am thinking of keeping them for next year.

Mahogany

My hair is mahogany with green tips – I need to look different so Santa will recognize me.

Gay Gordon's

My feet are sore because I spent hours dancing the Gay Gordon’s and other similar hectic dances – Albert said he does not know who Gordon is and I should have been home earlier.

Local Paper

I wrote to the local paper thanking the organizers for a wonderful Carol Service, I happened to mention I attended with an ‘old’ friend – Veronica of course.  I meant I had owned her as a friend for a long time not that she was old, she has now forgiven me.

Pickled Eggs

I met an elderly gentleman today in the local supermarket; he was looking at the pickled eggs and telling me that he could not afford them.  I returned home and pickled him a dozen; I shall deliver them tomorrow as he lives nearby.

Veronica was impressed

Jo Brand

Veronica was asked today if her friend (me) was Jo Brand …………….. I wish I could swim like her and it is a real art to fit flowers in your hair so tastefully; perhaps I should try.  And she is so funny; Veronica says I am funny too?

This happened at the Carol Service before the B.B.C. event.

That Salt

I gave Veronica a wrapped packet of Russian salt and several more packets for her neighbours – I still have enough to last Albert and I until at least 2020.

B.B.C.

I will never be offered a job at the BBC now, we were only waving at the camera man and did not mean to knock over his equipment – we offered to pay for a new lens cover. 

Veronica and I did enjoy the carol service and had time for a quick visit to Wetherspoons too; then back home to Albert and a lamb shank.

Stealing a Car

I bumped into an ex boss today when shopping, she reminded me of a task she set for me; which was stealing a car – not literally but I shall explain.

I was employed by the Health Authority but seconded to the local council, our office and team had a pool car.  However our second pool car had been ‘borrowed’ and not returned thus I was sent off wearing dark clothes early one morning armed with a duplicate key and I was to return with the said car.  I was so worried in case I stalled the car whilst making a quick get away but I managed it – this was one of the many things that were not in my job description.

Singing

Oh no, Veronica suggested we go for a drink before the carol service which is in a famous location in York – you may see us on television.  Back to the suggestion, we sing better and loudly after a drink; Albert is driving us to the station and returning for us several hours later.

It is for charity.

Russian Salt

I entered a competition on Saturday and guess what ….. I won enough Russian salt to last for a year; I have filled two cupboards and now I am busy wrapping it up for Christmas presents. 

I shall give Veronica two packets.

An Appointment

I have an arrangement with Veronica on Sunday, we are going to a carol service followed by a small glass of wine, we could have two small glasses if they have no large ones.

I am useful

Tristan telephoned to ask how to cook gammon - Warwick wants extra jars of pickled onions and piccalilli; and can I make two extra Christmas cakes, I suggested he tried eBay.

Who is Warwick, he is my eldest son.

Facebook

Ethel Pretoria contacted me on facebook – who is she?  I will ask Veronica.

Violet Rose

Violet Rose telephoned to tell me she has won the prize hamper from the Christmas castle event yesterday – oh good another day out as we have to collect it from the local post office.

I invited Albert but he has declined.

Stuck in the Mud

Violet Rose and I visited a local castle for a Christmas event where we bought bamboo socks, Russian salt, a picture and a pair of shoes.  We had a feel of an ostrich handbag which cost £579.00 - it was however available in orange, blue and green.

We had a great day but the highlight was being pushed out of the mud in the car park by 3 burly men …………… what fun!

Blue Hands

At our dinner on Friday I had to keep my silver lurex gloves on all evening, they were pretty trendy.  I put purple streaks in my hair earlier and forgot to put the rubber gloves on and my hands were a very deep purple - try eating garlic bread with a knife and fork whilst wearing silver lurex gloves.

It was a talking point and gave me an air of mystery, Veronica would have made me take them off.

Old Girls Dinner

Veronica is snowed in up in Scotland and cannot come to our ‘do’ (Old Girls Dinner) tonight I shall miss her.  Veronica and I were in the round shoulders and flat feet group at school – what chance did we have with such afflictions?

I shall talk about her.

Tenerife

Well, well, well what a shock – Albert collected me and took me to Tenerife for our anniversary; who is looking after Elvis?  The hotel helped us celebrate this auspicious occasion by knocking on our bedroom door at 7.30 a.m. with a bottle of champagne. 

Much later we were sat having coffee in the town square, under a tree when Albert was hit on the head –  this time it was an almond not an apple; it only left a slight dent in his forehead.

Florrie McGane

I am looking after Florrie McGane’s  house for two weeks and leaving Albert and Elvis to cope without me.

Florrie has made me a beetroot terrine for my dinner – I hate beetroot.

See you in December.

Posy Slagyford

Posy Slagyford is the heroine of my new novel – Veronica is proof reading the first chapter.

Blossom Dahlia

I met up with a famous authoress today called Blossom Dahlia; remember this name as it will be on everyone’s lips in 2012.  I am sworn to secrecy but when I receive my signed copy of her latest masterpiece I shall let you know the details.

Knickers

I have 60 pairs of white knickers, perhaps it is because my Mother told me only bad girls wear black knickers – tomorrow I am going to purchase a dozen black pairs.

Yes, I am still here but resting …………. Actor’s do.

A South Sea Island

My brother Granger has asked me to send him a large grass skirt if I move to Grenada, and a coconut; he will pay postage if I am not returning.

Killed Off

Eunice and Albert are thinking of moving to a South Sea Island where Albert can walk by the sea and Eunice can write a novel.  The friendship between Eunice and Veronica will still be strong as they will email and skype every day ……………….

Or Eunice could murder Albert and seek refuge with friends in Australia?

Not Again

Albert has been hit on the head by a Bramley Apple, the bruise is spectacular.

Tool Bars

Gremlins or Albert have been using my computer, as my tool bars are back?

Snow Warning

I bought Albert a new snow shovel today, it is pink.

Local Paper

I have had two letters published in the local paper this week – Veronica said it is apparent I have not dusted for a while; what does she mean?

At My Allotment

Whilst at my allotment I wrote a story about a leaf, how he was the last one left on the branch, his mother, father and siblings all gone lost on the floor; was his destiny to be left alone lonely and cold or would he too join his family fated to be trodden on or used as mulch? It was much longer, in fact 3 pages and a very complicated family tree.

Veronica said I should publish it.

Lost Tool Bar

I took my lap top (and candles) to the allotment last night and now I have lost my tool bars. 

Veronica cannot help me.

My Blog

No time to blog – if I take my laptop and candles to the allotment I could keep up.

I am sick of spinach, I wonder if Popeye has any relatives left?

Another School Reunion

We had another ‘do’ last night but Veronica was unable to attend; when I have washed my mobile (in case it is dirty) I shall send her a text. 

Doreen Again

Doreen once came to work and laid on the floor because she had a bad back – I sent her home as she could not safely type in that position.  Veronica said I should have been kinder?

Garlic Sandwiches and Aniseed Balls

I once worked with a lady named Doreen who brought garlic sandwiches to work, but her party piece were her aniseed balls that she offered to visitors.  Back to the aniseed balls; Doreen had brought them to work after she cleared out her Aunt Sybil’s house – ten years previously.

More Scones

I found some out of date blue cheese in the fridge and made Albert some scones – I am watching his progress.

Jam Tarts

Bother I burnt my jam tarts and Elvis does not like our new milk. 

Think I shall text Veronica.

Maude from Wigan

Maude from Wigan wants to know where I have been.

Well I think I have writer’s block or perhaps it is Albert block; he keeps talking to me or singing whilst I am typing ……….   What am I to do?

Veronica and I are in touch by email at the moment it is safer.

My Chiropodist

I love the receptionist at my chiropodist, she said I did not look old enough to claim O.A.P. discount – my feet are older than I look

My Diary

My diary told me that I had scones and marmalade in Scotland; and in the afternoon - we have marmalade for breakfast and on toast.

 

An Email

I had an email from Freddy Fudd Pucker today; he is a popular singer in New Zealand. 

Albert does not approve.

Moon Garden in October

I am still picking strawberries on my allotment and my raspberries are growing again, is it the weather or the moon?

 

What are Friends for

I asked Veronica what are friends for?  She knows what I mean having sent off for details of adopting an ex-battery hen for me; what am I going to do with it.

celebrity Magazine

I wrote to OK Magazine today, asking if they would like the privilege of writing about Eunice and Veronica.  

We can compete with Jordon any day.

Pigs

Veronica is worried about pigs. Apparently in 2003 E.U. Regulations decreed that in future pigsties must have a minimum of one toy for the inmates to play with.  We live in a City so I am wondering how many pigsties she has visited?

I will buy her a job lot of footballs and she can deliver them to her favourite pigs.

A Horse Chestnut Tree

Albert was sat in the shade under a Horse Chestnut Tree and he was hit on the head by a conker; I immediately sang “don’t sit under the apple tree with anyone else but me” but he did not laugh? 

He still has a bruise and will not let me talk about it.

In County Durham

Albert and I went to visit friends in County Durham this weekend – it was a weekend of pastoral viewing and social intercourse.

Chutney

Last week I made chutney (tomato and banana) – I was still bottling it at 1 a.m. in the morning, as according to a New Zealand cookery book it is best made after midnight.  I gave Veronica a jar and she now thinks I should join the W.I. and sing Jerusalem.

An Overhaul

Tristan says does anyone care I am having an overhaul?

My Computer

Tristan told me my computer wants an overhaul – back on line on Sunday then?

Pre Lunch

Told Veronica I am not wearing my new boots as it is sunny, next time.

An Expert

Veronica said no she is not taking her gear as her and Emilio are flying O’Higgins Airways and only taking hand luggage; it was a thought.

A Shipwreck

A British cargo ship has been found off the coast of Ireland. Veronica is visiting Ireland for a holiday soon and I will suggest over lunch on Wednesday that she takes her scuba diving gear; they may need experts?

A Pair of Boots

I bought a pair of purple boots yesterday at a fashion show; they are deep purple with flashes of black patent leather – so cool, oh and I bought long striped socks too which are purple and mustard.  There is a poem about the lady who wore purple and sat on the pavement – I am not ready to sit on the pavement but I need a purple hat and cloak and I will be noticed everywhere.  Albert may not wish to accompany me when I am wearing such trendy gear?

I will wear my boots when I meet Veronica for lunch she will be so envious.

Another Lunch Date

Veronica wants to meet me for lunch on Wednesday and Albert has just told me I have a cold.  I will be fully recovered by Wednesday and I shall invite him too, that will frighten him.

It was a nice ring

Having decided not to spend the rest of my life with Desmond he demanded my ring back, Veronica reminded me I had in fact paid for half of it.

Many years later I went along to a famous plastic ware party with a friend and Desmond’s new wife was there and guess what?  Yes, she was wearing my engagement ring, I could not take my eyes off it ………………

The day I married Albert I met Desmond on my way to the hairdressers, there was just he and I in the street and he asked how I was and what I was doing; I had not seen him for five years and bother I forgot to ask for my half of the ring back.

My Ex Engagement Ring

I have been asked to tell this story which I shall after I have had my tea.

Peas

My Mother told me not to give Albert peas as they make him cough and choke.  I forgot …… he is o.k. now but it was touch and go if I made it to the school reunion tonight.

Meeting Veronica

I have not time to meet up with my pal.  I need to devote at least two days to Albert, and then there is my garden and allotment, yoga class, belly dancing, my gardening column plus thinking time; also there is the obligatory dusting, cleaning and shopping and I need to see my sons occasionally – I can merge that with Albert’s days; I am so busy. 

Veronica will have to wait until half term, unless I can sneak out on an evening when Albert is not looking?

Holidays

I do not think you should return home immediately after a holiday, after all it is hard work enjoying yourself and staying up until midnight doing crosswords, and drinking and laughing etc.

Albert thinks I should immediately start dusting and getting complicated meals – I am tired!

Remington

Did I tell you that Remington was a fisherman?  I am now an expert on autumnal water velocity, goodlesocking and filamentous algae; oh and the water levels of the river Dee, Don and Urie.

Lunch Date

Veronica invited me to lunch but I am belly dancing today, perhaps I should wear short earrings.

Saggy Ears

Opal warned me of the perils of wearing long earrings, she said my ears will drop; I must tell Veronica.

The Queen

Remington, Opal and I went to Balmoral to see the Queen, we waved and smiled at the CCTV camera – I hope she was looking. 

Scotland

Pork and Irun Bru sausages, toast with Sunday dinner?

Mushrooms

Veronica said I should not wash my mushrooms but M & S say I should?

Albert Understands

Aberdeen, apparently Albert said I was to please myself about a visit – I personally think you should not waste opportunities and I booked the trip immediately.  I recall the episode now; he will be fine home alone with Elvis.

Meeting Remington Under the Clock

I asked Remington to wear a beret and a yellow rose in his lapel when he meets me – he refused saying he would recognize me.  Veronica says it is the way I walk?

Blogspot Friends

Ok I shall share it with you – I am going to Aberdeen on Monday for a week, staying with my cousin Opal and her husband Remington; apparently I promised to visit fifteen years ago?

Oh, the problem, I have not told Albert, will he notice, I think he will; I have forty eight hours to make up a story ………………

Facebook Again

I tried it, hinting at my problem and I had twenty replies wanting to know what was troubling me; not going to tell them.

Facebook Comment

I have a problem?

Scarborough

I wondered where Veronica was, she is taking part in a charity walk in Scarborough, she sent me a text to say she had finished and was presented with a glass of pinot grigio at the finishing line.  Did I sponsor her, I cannot remember?

Missing Frogs

The frogs have all gone apparently they return to their birth place to lay eggs so I am looking forward to next year?

Gin and Tonic

According to the daily paper a gin and tonic is good for you; it apparently helps middle-aged women age better.

Must tell Veronica

Moon Gardening

Elvis and I are not going to the allotment tonight because my thumb is still sore.

Away a Day or Two

Mabel Elizabeth lied, she has not sold her house; but wanted me to drive her to Scotland - we spent two uneventful days drinking with the locals and eating haggis before we returned to Northumberland.  We stayed in Belford on the Hill where we took an ‘Open Studio’ Tour; we met Isadora Maude Basket, artist extraordinaire who is a friend of Sarah Riseborough also an artist.  

I shall tell you about Isadora Maude Basket later as I have had an accident, I rushed out of the back door this morning whilst clutching a knife (I was cutting up a chicken) – I fell over a frog, landed in the rosemary bush and nearly cut off my thumb; all to scare off a large pigeon who was eating my spinach

Writing Competition

I did not win the writing competition but have investigated the venue – Albert is horrified at the cost; I wonder if I could take my own food?

The writing course is held near Hebdon Bridge, in Yorkshire and sounds exciting – Veronica says I should go.  If I keep trying to poison Albert and offering him pea and ham stew he may relent and pay for me

Mabel Elizabeth

Mabel Elizabeth is moving and I am going to help her pack – back on Monday, Albert is willing to get his own meals.

Pea and Ham Stew

I bought a lamb shank and a packet of dried peas and made several meals for Albert - he will be so sick of ham and pea stew with pearl barley he will suggest I visit friends for a while.

I have a plan.

Bog Scuba Diving

Bog scuba diving was on the news, I hope Veronica was watching.

De-bleeped - The Story

I was stopped by an unfamiliar security guard in Tesco after setting off the alarms.  I pleaded not guilty and he believed me, his name was Timothy; he asked me if I would like him to find the tag and I agreed – I drew the line at a body search. He proceeded to empty my handbag (I was pleased I had taken out the spare tena lady) – people were watching us I do hope I looked innocent. Eventually Timothy announced it was my purse, the one that Mabel Elizabeth bought me in New York …… it took him ten minutes to remove the tag which was hidden in a corner.

Thank you Timothy.

De-bleeped

Story to follow later, I am still traumatized.

Frogs

Oh no, frogs on my patio door, my water butt must be empty now; I shall stay in to avoid them partying on the lawn.  Where will they go I have no pond?

I wonder if Albert would round them up and I could take them to the allotment when it is dark.

I shall ask Veronica if she would like a bucket full of frogs.

Lunch

Yesterday I arranged to meet Chloe for lunch but did not tell Albert I was meeting Veronica too; he would have worried about his dinner if I had informed him. 

Returned home in time for dinner, without a tattoo and sober.

French Marigolds

The French Marigolds in my moon garden are 66 cm high and still growing.

                       

A Quiz

I went to the local quiz with Veronica last night and it is not yet September. 

We lost.

An Auction

I went to an auction with Violet Rose, I bought a diving helmet (for Veronica), a spear, four chairs, a leaded window, a bronze bust of Emperor Severus , a strimmer (for Albert) and a silver brooch for me.

I am hiding them in the shed until Albert finds them – we have a big shed.

Elvis

He is back; Mrs. Friday locked him in her shed.

Facebook Again

I got up, showered, cleaned my teeth with my new toothpaste.  Had a cup of tea and breakfast, dusted, cooked, washed and shopped for new knickers …………. No facebook is not for me.

Facebook

My friends suggest I have a facebook account.

What would I do – write about myself and my family and friends, I lead such a boring life no one would read it.

Where’s My Cat

Elvis is missing.

A Writer

I had a letter printed in the local paper today, with a humorous footnote from the editor. 

Veronica said one day I shall be famous.

The Races

Veronica and Emilio spent the afternoon on the sofa watching York races, whilst wearing straw hats and drinking sherry; how cool is that?

Saving Water

Albert and I now have a water meter and I have not had a bath for a month.

School Reunion

I am no longer allowed to arrange the school reunions. 

I was the first to arrive at the local pub where we meet and had booked a table earlier, optimistically for twelve people.

Imagine my dismay on finding that they had laid the table thinking we were going to eat – I only wanted a table; to make matters worse only four of us turned up.  Extra staff had been brought in, the chef was waiting in anticipation …………. another venue to avoid for a while.

Counting Pennies

Albert told me to economize - I made my own crisps today – 200 crisps from one potato.  What next?

Dancing in the Moonlight

It is getting chilly in the moonlight.

Allotment

The allotment is back on.

I have a job offer – writing a gardening column in the local newspaper and I need the allotment to practice moon gardening.

Back to what to wear in the moonlight?

I won’t be frightened as I shall take Elvis with me.

Milan

Milan is off as Albert said I cannot afford it?

Contact Made

I have arranged to meet Veronica in September – after I have dusted of course.

 

Social Life

Albert thinks I should stay at home and dust; before he bought me a new duster I arranged a day out with Violet Rose.

Violet Rose and I took a bus to York and went to the theatre to see a new musical – I am at home now thinking of dying my hair blonde.

Albert does not understand I have a social life to maintain.

An Allotment

I have been offered an allotment and it is big enough to put into practice my moon gardening. I turned it down as I would not know what to wear as it would involve driving and besides I would be frightened.

Albert said he is definitely not accompanying me.

Veronica would join me but she has disappeared again, she must be busy.

 

The Cat's Fault

If only the cat had been home on time.

I arrived home on Saturday evening and Albert was out; I had enjoyed dinner with Tristan and was even allowed to stay for a drink or two when his friends turned up.

My neighbour saw me come home and next minute was frantically ringing my doorbell whilst clutching Elvis my cat, she was having a party and Elvis was not invited.

It was a huge mistake accepting Gemima’s invitation to the party and believe now I should sign the pledge; I hope Veronica does not contact me because I have given up drinking!

An Art Gallery

We (Veronica and I) were asked to leave an Art Gallery.

We originally met for coffee, which turned into lunch and a drink then a bit of culture seemed like a good idea; we were only pointing at the pictures but I suppose we were leaning over the barrier.  On the third occasion when the alarm sounded the security guard suggested we leave.

We should go back for another visit as I am sure they will not recognize us.