Writing Competition

I did not win the writing competition but have investigated the venue – Albert is horrified at the cost; I wonder if I could take my own food?

The writing course is held near Hebdon Bridge, in Yorkshire and sounds exciting – Veronica says I should go.  If I keep trying to poison Albert and offering him pea and ham stew he may relent and pay for me

Mabel Elizabeth

Mabel Elizabeth is moving and I am going to help her pack – back on Monday, Albert is willing to get his own meals.

Pea and Ham Stew

I bought a lamb shank and a packet of dried peas and made several meals for Albert - he will be so sick of ham and pea stew with pearl barley he will suggest I visit friends for a while.

I have a plan.

Bog Scuba Diving

Bog scuba diving was on the news, I hope Veronica was watching.

De-bleeped - The Story

I was stopped by an unfamiliar security guard in Tesco after setting off the alarms.  I pleaded not guilty and he believed me, his name was Timothy; he asked me if I would like him to find the tag and I agreed – I drew the line at a body search. He proceeded to empty my handbag (I was pleased I had taken out the spare tena lady) – people were watching us I do hope I looked innocent. Eventually Timothy announced it was my purse, the one that Mabel Elizabeth bought me in New York …… it took him ten minutes to remove the tag which was hidden in a corner.

Thank you Timothy.

De-bleeped

Story to follow later, I am still traumatized.

Frogs

Oh no, frogs on my patio door, my water butt must be empty now; I shall stay in to avoid them partying on the lawn.  Where will they go I have no pond?

I wonder if Albert would round them up and I could take them to the allotment when it is dark.

I shall ask Veronica if she would like a bucket full of frogs.

Lunch

Yesterday I arranged to meet Chloe for lunch but did not tell Albert I was meeting Veronica too; he would have worried about his dinner if I had informed him. 

Returned home in time for dinner, without a tattoo and sober.

French Marigolds

The French Marigolds in my moon garden are 66 cm high and still growing.

                       

A Quiz

I went to the local quiz with Veronica last night and it is not yet September. 

We lost.

An Auction

I went to an auction with Violet Rose, I bought a diving helmet (for Veronica), a spear, four chairs, a leaded window, a bronze bust of Emperor Severus , a strimmer (for Albert) and a silver brooch for me.

I am hiding them in the shed until Albert finds them – we have a big shed.

Elvis

He is back; Mrs. Friday locked him in her shed.

Facebook Again

I got up, showered, cleaned my teeth with my new toothpaste.  Had a cup of tea and breakfast, dusted, cooked, washed and shopped for new knickers …………. No facebook is not for me.

Facebook

My friends suggest I have a facebook account.

What would I do – write about myself and my family and friends, I lead such a boring life no one would read it.

Where’s My Cat

Elvis is missing.

A Writer

I had a letter printed in the local paper today, with a humorous footnote from the editor. 

Veronica said one day I shall be famous.

The Races

Veronica and Emilio spent the afternoon on the sofa watching York races, whilst wearing straw hats and drinking sherry; how cool is that?

Saving Water

Albert and I now have a water meter and I have not had a bath for a month.

School Reunion

I am no longer allowed to arrange the school reunions. 

I was the first to arrive at the local pub where we meet and had booked a table earlier, optimistically for twelve people.

Imagine my dismay on finding that they had laid the table thinking we were going to eat – I only wanted a table; to make matters worse only four of us turned up.  Extra staff had been brought in, the chef was waiting in anticipation …………. another venue to avoid for a while.

Counting Pennies

Albert told me to economize - I made my own crisps today – 200 crisps from one potato.  What next?

Dancing in the Moonlight

It is getting chilly in the moonlight.

Allotment

The allotment is back on.

I have a job offer – writing a gardening column in the local newspaper and I need the allotment to practice moon gardening.

Back to what to wear in the moonlight?

I won’t be frightened as I shall take Elvis with me.

Milan

Milan is off as Albert said I cannot afford it?

Contact Made

I have arranged to meet Veronica in September – after I have dusted of course.

 

Social Life

Albert thinks I should stay at home and dust; before he bought me a new duster I arranged a day out with Violet Rose.

Violet Rose and I took a bus to York and went to the theatre to see a new musical – I am at home now thinking of dying my hair blonde.

Albert does not understand I have a social life to maintain.

An Allotment

I have been offered an allotment and it is big enough to put into practice my moon gardening. I turned it down as I would not know what to wear as it would involve driving and besides I would be frightened.

Albert said he is definitely not accompanying me.

Veronica would join me but she has disappeared again, she must be busy.

 

The Cat's Fault

If only the cat had been home on time.

I arrived home on Saturday evening and Albert was out; I had enjoyed dinner with Tristan and was even allowed to stay for a drink or two when his friends turned up.

My neighbour saw me come home and next minute was frantically ringing my doorbell whilst clutching Elvis my cat, she was having a party and Elvis was not invited.

It was a huge mistake accepting Gemima’s invitation to the party and believe now I should sign the pledge; I hope Veronica does not contact me because I have given up drinking!

An Art Gallery

We (Veronica and I) were asked to leave an Art Gallery.

We originally met for coffee, which turned into lunch and a drink then a bit of culture seemed like a good idea; we were only pointing at the pictures but I suppose we were leaning over the barrier.  On the third occasion when the alarm sounded the security guard suggested we leave.

We should go back for another visit as I am sure they will not recognize us.

My Moon Garden

It works – the spinach in my moon garden is bigger than the spinach in my sun garden!

 

Gardening in the Moonlight

Albert and I spent the early part of the year in New Zealand farm sitting, I will tell you about it later.  Whilst Albert was cutting the grass (which took 3 hours) I read gardening books and other things too.

Some gardening magazines in New Zealand suggest you garden by moonlight, what fun!  I have sorted myself a moon calendar and learnt the basics of waxing and waning – times between full moons etc. and I know all about vitality on the rise. 

Now back home in England I have attempted to put into action what I have learnt – Albert despairs of me and my neighbour is not too impressed; as for the cat he is totally confused.

Pavarotti

Albert has gone out so I spent the morning singing with Pavarotti; the cat has his paws over his ears.

Veronica must be working as I have not heard from her.

Aunt Brigitte

Brigitte was my aunt; she was very large and married to Cecil.  I went on holiday to the midlands to stay with Brigitte and Cecil and their five children – I wonder how I got there? Back to the story, one evening there was a storm and Cecil was away driving his train somewhere; Brigitte told us, all six of us that we were frightened and we were to get into bed with her – there was no room for Cecil never mind six children!

Storms bring back memories of the fear, the heat, the nausea, the noise – not of the storm but the worry of been crushed in the bed and Brigitte saying her prayers very loudly.

Father O'Higginbottom

I just want Father O’Higginbottom to know that he wasted his time when he got me to sign the pledge.

The pledge is a document that says you will abstain from drink and I was ten when I signed it and on holiday in a small town in Ireland.

Veronica said it did not work and suggested I sign it again.

Odd Aunts

Individually we both had strange aunts – Veronica’s Auntie Lilly demonstrated yo-yos in Woolworth’s window in the 1940s; in latter years she used to take a short cut through British Home Stores whilst wheeling her bike.

I hope Veronica does not take her bike into B.H.S.

The Cat

I called for her once, actually I called for her every time we went out but I arrived this evening and she was crying – the cat had died and she had to stay in?  There I was dressed up and wearing my new French pink lipstick; which had taken me weeks to save for from my Saturday job at Woolworths and I had to go back home.

 I did not forgive her for a long time.

Our First Dance

We were going to our first dance on the same evening my parents were attending my cousin’s twenty-first birthday party – why didn’t they invite me too; perhaps I was too young?

I was given strict instructions to catch the last bus home – I thought it unfair as my mother often told me stories of how she climbed in and out of windows to return to the Nurses’ home; there was no way I was catching the last bus.

Veronica had other ideas too; she needed me to share a taxi; after all my parents would be late after a party?

Imagine how shocked I was when my taxi pulled up behind another taxi in which my parents were travelling …………………… I really wanted to tell my mother I had enjoyed my evening!

Veronica and Emilio

Emilio is Veronica’s husband, he is very nice.

This weekend Emilio and Veronica are having a soiree at a local care home, he plays different types of music and she is the percussionist and singer? 

I assume she is not available for crotchet lessons or a drink?

Our Albert

Did I tell you Albert had retired? 

Today I sent off an application form for a Lollipop person; forged his signature and said he could start immediately.

A Day Out

Albert and I went to a local village show today, I lost him in the fur and feather marquee; he was cross when he found me in the beer tent; if he had answered his phone I would have bought him a pint.

Had to leave early so Albert would not miss his tea.

An Ordinary Day

Spent the day in the garden yesterday but I have caterpillars in my purple sprouting broccoli and tadpoles in my water butt – Veronica was not at all helpful when asked for her advice.

On the Beach

…………… we were on the beach and did have a boat, we were thinking of rowing to France? The reporter should have waited because we were having a cup of cocoa with the coastguards – we are not that silly, we knew that France was too far.

Albert thinks we should act our age?

Still Alive and Dancing

Was it them – of course not ………………   Are you still interested?