Dear Santa, please send new laptop then I can attempt to blog again .................

I have a plan, will let you know this week - thanks for waiting

Oh bother, come on google!!!

I came back because I needed to visit Mark my dentist but I cannot tell you the whole story because Google will not let me!!!

Titles only now - greetings from Machu Picchu I am sat on a wall eating a blue fig more updates soon.

Next week - read about Gladioli Sample; who is she - Eunice Martha Saffron Trotter's cousin ........ yes that one!

Update – Veronica is at home with Emilio and Eunice has gone trekking in Machu Picchu – Albert is buried under the shed; or is he? Elvis is boarded out until further notice.

Fell over Elvis (the cat) and been out of action - keep reading; please ....................

Soon ..........................

You have missed so many stories, never mind .....

I have a plan - tell you about it tomorrow

Dear Google is help at hand - I need assistance ......................................

Oh no - still an error - may have to rethink!

I still need to apologise to Eric Clapton - I would tell you why but I have not enough room .........................

You might miss my day out with Veronica if my blog is still sick .................. now that could be a story

I was going to tell you about the face cream that turned out to be foot cream??

I need Blog help ....................... Google are you there?

Still stuck - I cannot tell you about Veronica's disappearance and Albert's pet frog ....................

My blog is in a fog

Eric Clapton - I need to send him an apology? I cannot tell you about it though .............................

Eunice and Veronica may have to die ................... watch this space for a while

Lost my radishes and my bees have moved house - Google I need to explain things please ..... I wonder how long I can keep on typing?

My blog is still stuck - I could type very long post headings instead .................. you must be wondering about my parsnips?

Headings only - I am frozen out again????

Parsnips

Returned

I am back from Scotland, stayed in a hotel that did not have porridge for breakfast; I wanted porridge.

Albert has not cleaned the sink.

I will tell you about how I broke my glasses and bruised my stomach later.

Scotland

I hope they sell Dettol in Scotland; I left Albert a packet of ginger biscuits.

A date

I have an early tea arrangement with Veronica in August, will we be drinking tea, I think not.

We have saved so much money not going out together we should have champagne, I shall suggest it.

Best steak

Bought Albert best steak because I am away tomorrow to a wedding in Scotland – I am sure I told you; Albert said I did not tell him.

Back next weekend, it is a long wedding!

Hope Albert cleans the sink.

 

Alan Tichmarsh

Just sent Alan an email telling him it was a waste of time planting asparagus peas; I wonder if he will reply.

Veronica update

She is drinking white wine in Oxford – does she know it is dark?

 

Today's Saint

It is Saint Vitalian of Capua day today, I wonder if he is responsible for the good weather in the U.K.

 

Jerusalem Artichokes

Nigel Slater told me to plant Jerusalem Artichokes – ok not personally but he was looking at me when I was watching him on television.  I did as he suggested and they are  at least 8 ft tall, what do I do with them and when are they ready?

I could contact America they will know or Veronica.

 

My blog

I was frozen and had an identified error – I am back!

 

Unidentified plants

Ruth from Bognor, they are not cannabis plants, I live next door to a policeman; he would have told me.

 

Afternoon tea

I invited Violet Rose for a cup of tea; she cannot come because I only have half a lawn.

 

It was a nice lawn

 Albert is digging up my lawn, should I ask him why?

More bees

More emails from America, must go ………

 

Fresh produce

I promised Veronica spinach and gooseberries, she will be unlucky.

Gooseberry alert

I need an alarm on my gooseberries; someone is pinching them; was it a bird or was it Eugene or Hector.

I cannot leave Elvis on the allotment, he would miss me.

Garden dementia

I have been busy trying to identify green plants in the garden and my allotment, similar to trifids but smaller; I was convinced I would remember what they were.  I also tied up peas only to discover they are sweet peas, I will not be giving them to Albert for his dinner.

I went out for lunch on Wednesday very early and did not come back until Albert’s supper; I am still trying to make amends …………. but I did have a good time.

Veronica upset I did not invite her.

Leeks

For twenty years I have been planting leeks, today Albert told me he does not like them – I have made no comment yet.

 

Well done America

I have eight more emails about my bees, it is alright now America I am sorted thank you; I shall not be taking photographs to send to you.

I wish I had never mentioned bees!

Bees in America

I sent an email to Leah in Yorkshire about my bees, she told me that she lives in Yorkshire South Carolina, USA; she was very helpful but will not be nipping over for a cup of tea.

 

Norfolk etc

I have been invited to Norfolk, Aberdeen and Skegness; I will not mention it to Albert.

I will stay at home and dust, Veronica may visit.

 

Bees in my compost

I have bees in my compost, John the beekeeper is visiting me tomorrow to give me advice; why is Albert staying at home?

Veronica said I am lucky to have bees at all.

 

Half a story

It was not me who bought the thermal vests it was Edwina.

I did buy a bag of winkles for Alwyn the fisherman.

 

Thermal vests and smoked winkles

Had a day at the seaside with local pensioners; I was the youngest on the bus.  Sent Veronica a postcard.

Lourdes

Poor Lourdes is flooded, I went there with school and met Louis, he was very French.

 

Desmond

A message for Desmond from Yamba – I do not know the colour of her marbles, I shall ask her next month.

Closed membership

Our old school ‘do’ is so popular we have closed membership, even Veronica can only come along by invite.

 

A wedding

I have been invited to a wedding without Albert.

I am trying to persuade him that it will be cheaper and yes it is normal to go away for five days to get a better deal at the hotel; he will not notice that I am missing.

 

Anna

Anna from Poole sent me a birthday card, with a deep meaningful quote from George Burns.  Thank you Anna.

 

Sister Mary

Albert had early dinner yesterday because it was another school reunion and I need to set off early. 

Highlight of the evening was when Maureen Scarlet Sophie remembered that Sister Mary took her marbles off her, I hope you were listening Sister Mary because she has never forgiven you.

 

Pink glitter

Veronica bought me a present, pink glitter to go on my nail varnish – I only went out for an hour and I have lost them all; some in my hair, my handbag anywhere apart from my nails!

I bet she bought it at the 99p shop

I shall give it back to her.

 

Today's Saint

It is St Aloysius Gonzaga day today.

Champagne

Albert and I were on an all inclusive holiday and one morning champagne was available for breakfast – I took a bottle and shared it with a friend ……. I was applauded all the way back to my table and Albert left.

Veronica would have been proud of me.

Veronica's holiday

Veronica is away at the seaside, she is drinking wine on a window sill.

A shadow

It was not a hair, it was a shadow.

Fathers' Day

Albert has a present of chilli chocolate and he does not like it – oh good.

 

My bag

A small, select group of us travelled to Leeds to see a band concert; we got off the bus and Albert helped me down the steps when he took off with my handbag.  Violet Rose and Genevieve were amazed so was I, it is my handbag.

Should I worry about Albert?

 

Facebook again

On Facebook I mentioned I had Dyscalcula and purposely transposed my age; to date I have had three hundred replies, worried about my condition.

 

It was a hair

Back to my Mother’s chin, she had a hair on it – I have found one on my chin; what a catastrophe I need to take drastic action.

 

My Mother's chin

Did I tell you about my Mother’s chin?  Tell you later, need to buy a walnut whip.

 

Veronica

Where are you Veronica?

A nice day

I had my hair done, was happily returning on a no 11 bus (to Albert), when disaster struck I was just going to eat my walnut whip; when I dropped it - may need to buy another one.

 

Birthday

Today is my birthday, I must ask Veronica how old I am supposed to be?

 

Emails

Only three hundred left to read.

 If only I could tell you about them?

Thank you Albert

Albert found my purse in the wash basket; I knew it was somewhere safe.

St Anthony

St Anthony where is my purse that I put away so safely ……. I need it before Tuesday please.

 

A sun tan

I am back and have seven hundred emails – talk to you later when I have read them.

 

 

Working again

I am away working for five days and then jetting off with Albert ………………see you in the middle of June.

No I am not taking my laptop, I need a rest.

 

Another holiday

Albert is taking me away to Menorca, I need to pack and buy more Dettol.  

My Mother

My Mother liked Albert.

My hair

Bernicia is worried about my hair, is it lilac tipped?

I suggested she ring Veronica she may tell her.

holidays

Someone asked me today if I remembered my first holiday without my parents, of course I do my Mother insisted I pack a bottle of Dettol.

Blogging

A message for Anna from Poole (I always wanted to be named Anna it sounds gentile, interesting and beautiful) yes, Anna – do not believe all you read. 

The remarks about telling you later, well it keeps you reading ……………..

Crime watch

Oh, yes alarm bells – after visiting three shops and setting off alarms, security were alerted; I was innocent!  My new sandals were searched, I was waiting to be frisked but the alarm seemed not to be on my person; I pleaded my case and was sent on my way. 

During the course of this event Mabel Elizabeth was not to be seen anywhere.  The cause of my problem was not discovered but I could still appear on crime watch – look for a nearly petite lady with lilac tipped hair.

 

Alarms again

Mabel Elizabeth took me out for afternoon tea in Harrogate which was several hours away.  We had an enjoyable tea followed by a sloe gin cocktail and then went shopping.

After buying a pair of sandals I noticed bells and alarms ringing and then …………tell you later I have to get Albert’s lunch.

 

Social habits

Wayne Wilson Smythe telephoned me yesterday he was doing a survey on peoples social habits; I did not have time to talk to him and told him so.  He will not call again as I decided to try my night class Portuguese out on him …………….. he was confused.

 

Night with the girls

Oh, it was good but Tallulah Tricia was unable to attend our meeting she said she was at home wearing a see through wynciette nightdress; we had to share her drink.

 

Ask Elvis

You could ask Elvis but he is dead – I have not always been this old, with lilac tipped hair and a limp – oh yes, ask Elvis!

Another birthday

It would have been my Dad’s birthday today – think I will go out for a pint of Tetley’s, or better still a bottle of red wine with Violet Rose because it is her birthday too; I forgot to tell Albert I was out with ‘the girls’.  I suppose I should get his dinner first.

Veronica may turn up if not we will toast her health.

Birthdays

Veronica is not happy I think she wants to see me before September, I will arrange a drink and a crochet up-date in July; we could go to the seaside and hire a deckchair; I will inform her.

I need to teach Albert to cook and then I can go out more often.

 

A birthday treat

Officially Veronica and I have summer birthdays but we will wait until September to celebrate as there is snow on them hills again; not that we are climbing up a hill but we could?

 

I ran away

Albert would not go out and insisted I stay in and dust; I was on the first bus into the city leaving him with a clean duster.

I sat next to an interesting gentleman who asked me what I did for a living, I told him I was a plumber and got off at the next stop in case he asked me about pee bends.

I still do not know where my friend is.

A present

Albert saw a dress in the local charity shop, he said he will buy it for me – it is green, and I know it will not fit.

 

Green dress

I bought a green dress on the day Tom Conti stood me up’ it does not fit!

Message to readers; never go shopping when you have been in Witherspoons for the afternoon.

Taking a trip to a charity shop this afternoon with a green dress, dread to think how much I paid for it.

 

I am here

Veronica is looking for me, I wonder if it involves a bottle of wine?  I cannot go out just yet, as I have just returned from the hairdresser where I was coloured, cut, textured and lilac tipped – I look wonderful; Albert had to get his own lunch.

Veronica, I will look for her next week before her birthday.

White lavender

I cannot remember if the white lavender was edible or not, I will try it on Albert.

 

Mabel

Oh, Mabel from Foggathorpe – I have done more than see a moth and a Morris Dancer this week; too much to tell. 

Mabel this is a blog …….. I could tell you more about the actors Frank, Fred and Celia but I need to keep people guessing. 

My children worry.

Living with the Vicar

At the out of the ordinary barbeque I met a wonderful lady named Sam (her real name because she is lovely) and she wanted to tell me a story – dangerous because I change things and lie.

However, the story was about her wedding plans and goes like this.

A telephone call was made to the local vicar who said that all was well but she would have to live in the parish before the event.  Sam went on to ask a definite date because she needed to sort our child care and work before she came to stay with the vicar; which was her quick interpretation of the situation.

Apparently the vicar still asks her when she is coming to stay with him.

 

So busy

Where have I been, I have attended an interesting barbeque – sorry Albert I was going to drive home …….. Been to the theatre and drank with some appealing actors afterwards – I promised to mention them on my blog; hello Frank, Fred and Celia, might be their right names, might not?

 

Test drive

I was to test drive a Ferrari 458 today but Albert cancelled my appointment, I cannot think why?

 

Sightings

I saw a moth and a single Morris dancer today.

 

Compost

I told him (Albert) not to use the compost in the black bin – I now have tea bags which have not rotted, suspended from my broad beans.

 

Found her

Found my friend Veronica, Emilio has not been well; I will contact her again before her birthday which is soon – planning a special card for her.

She is of course older than me.

 

Unwell

I have been slightly off colour and thought it was due to lack of sun, but Josephine told me today my problem was R.H.S.

Retired husband syndrome, I shall tell Albert.

Josephine

I met Josephine at the allotment, she has a big shed where she is making wine; I have been invited to a party along with Lenny who brews his own beer in his shed.  I may need to walk to the allotment in future.

I could invite Veronica.

Not away

I was supposed to go to Suffolk with Mabel Elizabeth today – I know I have not gone but Albert has forgotten; too late now, she has gone to look after her sister’s house and dog.  Another time I shall sneak out into the garden with a spade clutching my suitcase.

Albert now does the ironing as he does not trust me; wonderful I shall visit my allotment I could be gone several hours.

 

Snow

It snowed so Albert and I had to buy Wellington boots, does God know it is nearly summer.

We returned early to get warm.

until Tuesday

Just nipping off to see relatives back soon.

Veronica

I do not know where she is, must ring her.

Need to know if we are having 'the' tattoo this year?

Ironing again

The basket is nearly full again I think Albert is worried in case I throw his best shirt away – iron it then Dear Albert!

Shopping

I bought a loaf of bread this morning from the local bakery and was asked if I was eating in or taking the bread out; I was baffled – it is a loaf of bread I said and there are at least thirty slices ……… yes but are you eating in or taking it out.  I suppose she was programmed but she did not even smile at me.

I will send Albert next time.

 

Not old

A lady on the bus yesterday demanded that I give up my seat because I was not old – I know for a fact that this lady is at least twelve years younger than me.  I gave up my seat with pleasure and a curtsy.

 

Ironing

Albert is not happy with me; I had not ironed for weeks and decided the contents of the ironing basket were old; so I threw them out.

Albert was last seen rummaging in the dustbin.

Going out to yoga.

 

Glenda

Oh yes Glenda, Veronica and I travelled to West Yorkshire to hear this famous lady speak about politics; Albert was aghast as I did not express any political views.  Not only did Glenda annoy him but I was not back for his lunch or evening meal!  The bus stop was next to a pub and it was raining ………

It was worth getting into trouble for.

 

Glenda Jackson

And then there was Glenda Jackson, Veronica’s fault.

Tell you tomorrow.

Where have I been

I have been busy scaring off the pigeons – (no Daisy from Cardiff I did not shoot them) and painting my viewing seat on the allotment. 

 

Pearls

And then there was the night I wore my best pearls, complete with safety catch which I could not open - I had to sleep in them.   Albert did not notice.

 

Mince pies

I made mince pies yesterday and a ‘special’ one for Albert.

I should have brought my Christmas tree in was Veronica’s suggestion.

 

Fit to die

I told Bernicia that I would be dead before I had mastered the electronic keep fit board; she said that I would look good though.

 

 

A competition

I did not win the poetry competition, did I really want to go to Hebdon Bridge on a writing course,  of course I did!

Fed up now so entered a competition to cook with John Torode I shall probably win.

 

Sorry Veronica

I was supposed to be collecting for a local charity today but unable to do so, sorry friend.

Staying at home with Elvis.

Stood up

Albert was out last Saturday and I took a bus trip to Ripon, looking trendy with headset on and clutching a book and bottle of water.

I found a local Witherspoons and made myself comfortable reading my book and waiting for  steak and chips when Rex and Derek asked if I wanted a drink.  I thanked them but said I was waiting for Tom Conti; one day I shall get to meet him.

So I was obviously stood up.

Tea and sympathy

I visited another friend this week because her dog had died, we were going to drink tea and toast Tobias in doggie heaven, and we even put the kettle on.

 Returned home much later and Albert thought I look a bit pale …………….. it was the vodka!

 

 

Electronic abuse

I have decided to get fit and dusted off my electronic keep fit board – firstly she called me Albert and insisted on knowing where I had been for a year; then I was given an age of seventy-five.  I switched her off and did not talk to her until today where I am a now a friendly fifty two.

It is a machine I am arguing with!

Pigeons again

A friend has lent me a gun to shoot the pigeons, Albert had better stay indoors.

Busy

I have been so busy making calf foot jelly, gruel, shepherd’s pie and lemon barley water for Albert; I think he is better.

 

Sick

Albert has man flu – he may not last the weekend?

Shopping

I meet a lovely friend of Warwick, and Tristan in the local supermarket; she thinks that I am sweet and demure ………..  I have told her to read my blog.

 

Jo Brand again

I was mistaken for Jo Brand, what fun ………. I should have accepted the pint and then told them who I was.

 

Bernadette

I must tell you about Bernadette, the lady with the stiletto heels.

I shall tell you later as I have to prepare Albert’s lunch for tomorrow, now what can I add to it?

 

My dancing dress

Albert and I were going to a dance with the local Hockey Club; I was so looking forward to wearing my familiar black, red and white dancing dress.

Albert does not want to go to the dance, I wonder if it is because his wife is so beautiful, talented and entertaining; perhaps he does not want to share me.

I wanted to go before my dress shrinks.

Trying again

Veronica is taking me to church tomorrow in Newcastle, she said to bring my prayer book but then remembered that it would be out of date – cheek.

Last time we went to this location we sat with the choir and the service was televised; we are used to publicity.

Oh, do not tell Albert but we are having a drink and lunch on the way home.

 

Away days

Did you wonder where I went, I shall tell you – I went to a spa with Mabel Elizabeth where I spent a day thinking and then two days having a pamper rush.

 

I am back

I came home early driving through blizzards and avoiding road closures; I was in such a rush because Elvis was sick.

Albert's meals

I have told him to visit Veronica – I have warned her.

A poem and a story

I need to write a poem and a short story to win competitions, how will I do this, by running away until Friday ….. See you then.

 

 

Shamrock

Nanny Riley sent me some shamrock; I shall wear it tonight for bingo.

St Patrick

Two years ago Albert and I were travelling in New Zealand and saw a sign which said St Irish Day today …………..

I think it is St Patrick’s Day and I have put on a pan of potatoes to boil for Albert’s tea.

 

A mistake

Albert’s friends contact him via my email; imagine my surprise to receive an email from Taff giving me details of my holiday to Florida? 

I was disappointed to find the email was sent in error.

 

Another week

Veronica is staying away another week, her wine bill will be huge.

 

 

Windmills

Albert bought me some windmills for the garden hoping to scare off the fat pigeons.

I have bought more lavender, making sure it is edible this time.

 

 

The same butcher

The butcher I avoided last year – see many blogs ago; I ordered some meat for last Tuesday.  On Friday morning at 4 a.m. I awoke and suddenly remembered I had forgotten my meat; the butcher has forgiven me but asked for my telephone number to avoid any further problems.

Snow

Veronica is away in Northumberland and snowed in, she said she will be back in May.

String

My Grandfather was right, you should always save your string; I needed lots to put my temporary scarecrow in place.  I have to visit the cheap shop again.

Albert is trying to train Elvis to scare off the pigeons but he is not interested.

 

My Mother's sheets

On a composting course many years ago I was told to put in dry and wet components, so I put in an old unbleached cotton sheet that belonged to my mother and it is still there.  It must have been good quality because even the slugs have not eaten it; I will have to dig it out.

Albert get your own lunch I am going out with a spade.