Turkey

Veronica gave me a run down of her Christmas away, she dropped the turkey and her son’s dog took a bite out of the breast.

She has not given me anymore details; perhaps we should meet for coffee.

 

A accident

Albert was playing ball with Elvis and knocked over the shepherd in my nativity set – the shepherd now has no head.

 

A present

I bought Warwick’s girlfriend Bernicia some books for Christmas but there is a problem.  I shall explain, I purchased four books by a well known Hollywood writer and when I came to wrap them up I find that I have four books of the same title but with different colour covers.

Veronica tells me again that I should be more careful – she can have the purple book for her birthday.

I shall tell Father Christmas to be more observant in future.

 

Panic

Jasmine from Adelaide has just emailed telling me when Christmas is .... have dashed off messages to Nigel Slater, the wonderful Nigella and James Martin to help me prepare - any other chefs willing to help me please get in touch.

Christmas is Tuesday and I have not bought Albert a present.

Veronica bought me a present and it feels like a bottle.

Christmas

I have plenty of time it is two weeks away after all!

Oh, yes I am back and have lots to tell you.

 

Work again

I am away with work again on Sunday for two weeks; see you soon.

 

Trouble

I have been invited to Fiji for a special birthday – Albert thinks I am going and I am sure it can easily be arranged.

My sister in law said if I was normal it would be a visit to London or New York – what does she mean?

 

Popping again ....

Put popping candy on Albert’s chocolate mouse and he did not notice – given up now.

 

Use by date

Using up my Mother’s soap reminded me of Doreen.

Doreen cleared out her Auntie Ethel’s house in 1974 and brought a supply of aniseed balls to work; this was ten years ago.  I had to warn visitors not to touch the aniseed balls; she took them home when she left.

 

Soap

I have just used up all my Mother’s soap; the fact that she died fifteen years ago is irrelevant; it was good soap.

No response

The popping candy did not work; I will double up on quantities next time.

Father Christmas

Veronica and I are out for mulled wine and a visit to Father Christmas next week. 

That is the plan but we do not always reach our destination.

 

Not poison

I found some popping candy yesterday and was sprinkling it on Albert’s crumble but he did not want it.  Hope it does not explode in the microwave today.

The Queen

The Queen and Prince Phillip share mine and Albert’s anniversary.

I found last year’s card to give to Albert, he did not notice.

 

After lunch

It was a long lunch merging into dinner so a telephone call was necessary to alert Albert of my absence; I told him that I was having coffee with Veronica.

My sister-in-law wanted to know the colour of the coffee; what does she know?

 

Lunch

I should have taken my knitting …………

 

Lunch with friends

I am meeting Veronica for lunch tomorrow.

I am bringing a secret friend and so is she, could be fun.

She has asked me to bring my knitting; I have refused because I cannot drink and knit.

 

Another accident

I warned Albert not to walk across the golf course; it is only a small bruise on his head this time.

 

Sunshine and sand

I have sand in my binoculars.

 

Going North

Albert and I are travelling north tomorrow to count our elderly relatives.

Back on Wednesday.

 

Cliff again

I was not sat with Ember on the plane to Rhodes and a charming young man was talking to me – he asked me what I did for a living.  What do I do for a living; many things but mainly a free lance journalist and a stand-in Personal Assistant for Cliff Richard? 

Sebastian (that was his name) was impressed, so was I.

 

Shopping with Albert

Albert and I visited a famous Deli to shop and eat where they were offering free toffee apples and Albert said I was too old for toffee apples.

I took two!

 

Cliff Richard

I shall tell you about my job as Cliff’s stand-in Personal Assistant in due course.

 

 

Not true

Message to Veeda Welcomming from Giggleswick, I was only joking; I shall dust on Christmas Eve.

 

Dusty

I need to move my house is too dusty.

School trip

Mabel Elizabeth wants to know which hotel I stayed at in Lourdes.  Omitting to tell her I was thirteen at the time I answered The Hilton.

Need to know why she wants to know, is she planning a trip.

 

Cat box

Elvis got his paw stuck in the balcony; putting my gold diamante bra straps and bird box on ebay.

 

Bird box

Albert has bought me a bird box, it is two roomed with a balcony; Elvis is delighted.

 

 

Lost lavender

In readiness for Christmas I had picked lots of lavender and I was going to attach it elegantly to presents and also make lavender bags.

However, where is my lavender?

Albert has bunched up the lavender and fastened it artistically to curtains and corners; what else did he do when I was on holiday?

Veronica said I should encourage his hobby.

 

More tadpoles

I have more tadpoles in my water butt, I hope they survive the winter or could Albert move the water butt into the shed?

Going out to look for Veronica today we still have not had our day out; we can book a Santa Special trip – I will ask her.

St Veronica

It is St Veronica of Giuliani’s day today – I wonder if Veronica knows?

 

Albert's revenge

Whilst I was away Albert re-arranged my kitchen cupboards and I cannot find anything. 

Veronica said it was a small price to pay for a week away and added that I should be kinder to Albert.

Alice in Wonderland

I was nearly asleep on my sun bed just drifting and enjoying the heat and suddenly I was nudged rudely in the side.  The nudger and companion were peering at me from a great height which made me feel like Alice in Wonderland but warmer – the apparitions were telling me that I was in their shade.  I felt inclined to answer ‘so’, but did the kind thing and moved.

Shortly after the nudger’s umbrella blew away, was it a coincidence?

 

An answer

Dear Sue, he is French speaking Canadian physiotherapist; currently earning extra cash practicing his massage techniques holidaying around Europe. 

As I said I met him on the beach ………………

 

From wallsend

Sue from Wallsend wants to know who Nicco is

 

 

Adventures on the beach

I met Nicco on the beach.

 

A man and his donkeys

We were joined one evening outside our bungalow by a man who had many donkeys – he was a friend of the apartment owner.  The donkey man asked if we owned donkeys at home, as we did not want to offend him we said we kept them at the seaside for the tourists to ride.

Did I tell you we were in Lindos, and we were the only people with a bungalow everyone else had a one bedroom apartment; we let others use our clothes line.

Back to the donkey man, the week previous he had befriended a couple from London and the lady sent her luggage home but stayed in Lindos – we kept our distance Ember would never be able to explain my disappearance to Albert.

 

A cheap holiday

We arrived at Manchester airport to find our ‘cheap’ holiday cancelled, well aware of the meaning of cancelled we were stunned.  Problem was solved and we travelled on an airline whose staff could not speak English, the pilot kept announcing that he was thankful for ………… he then forgot the word and repeated the same half phrase several times and we were none the wiser.

I will tell you about the man and his donkeys tomorrow.

 

Work and pleasure

I was away working and returned to a message from Ember Pinot Rose asking if I would like to go to Rhodes – cheap.

I considered the cheap option for several minutes and went ………. only a week for Albert to look after himself.

A day out with Albert

I went to Shelf with Albert yesterday, I have lots to tell you but you will have to wait.

 

An old fish

Violet Rose has a 26 year old fish and nearly had to give it mouth to mouth resuscitation today; I did not ask how.

Oh, I am not here.

Whistle while you work

I am going tomorrow and shall be back middle of October, I will tell you about it when I return.

Ebay

May have to put gold diamante bra straps on Ebay as I cannot fix them, the earrings fit I shall keep them.

 

Swimming

Veronica invited me to go swimming with her today, I cannot oblige as I have just had my hair done; another time.

Damson

Did I tell you my hair was now damson; Albert said I look a lot younger than him.

What does he want me to do?

Travelling Duvet

Tristan asked me to collect his duvet from the cleaners and he would call at my house to collect it – I put it in the boot in readiness; then I forgot all about it and went out.  I have been travelling with his duvet for a week now; I wonder if he is cold?

Hobbies

Albert told me I have too many hobbies – he bought me the camera and I needed to attend the photography course; it is fun and Simon the tutor is very nice.  We are having a day away soon at a nearby nature reserve – I could paint and take photographs at the same location.

Spending money

I bought gold diamante bra straps with matching earrings at the fashion show; I shall tell Albert that I have had them for years.

 

Another Fashion Show

Violet Rose took me to a fashion show on Saturday we had been before and were stunned by the price of orange ostrich clutch bags. This time we were prepared and as the confident assistant enquired if we had found what we were looking for we asked together if she had bus passes in blue?  Perhaps they will have some next year.

 

I forgot

Veronica is cross with me – I promised to bake her cake and it is too late now; I will buy her a bottle of red wine and then she will forget about the cake.

 

What was it

It was a cheese and daffodil sandwich.

 

Not an onion

Albert has been ill, I told him not to take things from my allotment and they were clearly marked daffodil bulbs – I was worried but he is ok now.

 

My friend

Veronica is on holiday in Cornwall, if you meet her ask about Eunice.

 

 

 

A job

I have to go to work – I could be an airline pilot or a professional bird scarer, you will never know.

My name could even be Norman?

I have ten days to get ready so I shall be in touch.

 

Vases and copper balls

When Albert and I married we received blankets and vases as presents, you did not have wedding lists then.  The blankets have long since gone to better places but I still have lots of vases which I occasionally clean with my magic copper balls - you swish them round the inside of the vase and leave to stand for a while.

Whilst I have been unwell Albert has been in charge and he emptied the rubbish from a vase down the sink; yes my magic copper balls.

Yet again I am speechless.

 

Sick

I have been unwell, could have been chicken flu.

Busy

I am very busy at the moment closing down my allotment; I was trying to identify a new plant which turned out to be a 6 ft radish. 

Albert bought me a new spade which was very kind of him; he has not offered to help me dig though.

Back later, taking Elvis with me for company.

 

Brian

My last story reminded me of Brian, the husband of a friend, he was at an airport and sat at the next table was Ali McCoist celebrity sports person.  Brian wanted the sports results and headed for the next table to ask the bloke there for his newspaper; Ali thought it was an autograph moment.

Fooled you.

Famous people

I went to the local railway station today to meet up with relatives, I sat next to a famous actor and purposely ignored him; he was surprised.  I busied myself reading the inscription on the bench, he had to move over and then asked him the time; eventually he could not help himself, he asked me if I knew who he was – of course I did.

No I am not telling you who he was.

More apples

I returned home to find three more bags of apples and four marrows – help.

Apron

Violet Rose gave me a present of two aprons which she purchased from Brigitte Home Stores and were fully guaranteed fireproof; imagine her surprise to read that I had set fire to my apron.

Not a problem Violet Rose, it was my gardening apron given to me by Veronica and not fail safe fireproof.

 

Bag of apples

I should not have mentioned to friends that my apple tree was on strike – I now have five bags to peel; what am I going to do with them all.

I will telephone Veronica tomorrow.

A hat

I was going to crochet Veronica a new hat on the bus yesterday, I suppose I could sit in the garden and do it – now what colour would she not like?

 I will forgive her eventually.

 

Saint of the Day

It is St Lawrence Glustiniani’s day today, I shall inform Veronica.

Not us

If you meet a couple named Eunice and Veronica today it is not us; Veronica has hurt her back whilst skipping and is in bed.

Albert had plans he said – I will go shopping.

Excitement

I am so looking forward to tomorrow, it is like a school trip with red wine.

If you meet two young looking over 60s named Eunice and Veronica; it could be us.

 

A date

Veronica and I have our yearly day out tomorrow, we have a meeting place but no other plans; we will hop on the first bus and find a local Witherspoons for lunch.

I may give you details later.

Revenge story

Veronica telephoned me a few years ago to tell me she had visited a pub on the Yorkshire Moors, it was being looked after by the landlord’s ex girlfriend.

Nothing unusual about that except when you entered the premises the tall blonde Australian lady informed you that you paid what you wished for the food and drink.  In fact she said if you thought the food etc was not worth what you paid you could take your money out of the till on the way out. 

I asked her if she had been drinking and she assured me she had only drunk an orange juice.

I found Albert and we went out on a mission to the Moors, we were greeted by the ex girlfriend as Veronica said we would,  there was a huge table laid out with fancy breads, joints of meats, salads, puddings it was inviting.  There was a hand written sign telling clients that it was up to them to pay or not, the only condition was that you washed up after you had eaten.

The pub was very full and we had to wait for a table to become available.

Would you be surprised to hear that the landlord returned after a two week break to a pub with no stock, he must have been real mean to his ex girlfriend.

 

 

 

 

Revenge

Did I tell you about the lady in the pub, she was an ex girlfriend of the landlord?

I shall tell you later when I have had a half hour keep fit session, no electronic keep fit today because Albert is watching sport.

Later ...

Technical Problems

............................   I cannot contact Veronica because I have lost my tool bars and Tristan is unavailable.

Perhaps I should telephone her?

The Circus

I thought it was a good idea if Albert renewed his library ticket and accompanied him to do so; he joined the shortest queue prepared to hand in his obsolete ticket.

He still has his old ticket because the queue he joined was for the circus – he has given up reading now.

 

Going home

I was on the way home and was surprised to see Veronica on the bus; we got off at the next stop and went for a drink; it was so much cheaper to buy a bottle of wine rather than two glasses. 

I told Albert the bus broke down and did not mention Veronica.

A window cleaner

This was another visit to Scarborough, I was getting ready to go in the shower and Veronica was drinking sherry and reading her book. 

We were on the third floor and when she shouted that there was a window cleaner outside I ignored her; glancing at the window I realized she was serious – I screamed and the window cleaner was doing his utmost to pretend he had not seen me.

 

Stairs or the lift

Veronica and I once stayed in a hotel in Scarborough and she insisted we return to our room by walking up two flights of stairs, returning to the ground floor by lift and walking up the stairs again.  I was very tired by this time.

Her reason was that she did not want anyone to know where our room was – I was not sure myself.

Locked out

I was in the garden when Warwick visited, after he left I realized he had locked the back door and left Elvis in the lounge watching television with the fire on too.

Luckily I had my mobile phone in my gardening apron so I telephoned Tristan who let me in the house two hours later.

 

Aprons

I must stop wearing an apron – I am turning into my Granny, I set fire to my apron today trying to light the barbeque ………… Albert saved my life.

I have an apron to garden in; I can keep my mobile phone in the pocket and my hankie.

Cancelled

Albert is thinking of cancelling his holiday, what will I do with Tom Conti and my other party guests; he will have to go because I have plans.

A request

I have a dungeon rampage request on facebook.

I shall delete it; they may want to come to my party.

 

A party

Albert is going away so I have arranged a party with my old school friends.

I once arranged a party at the local pub and sent out invitations stating that I had invited Tom Conti; I booked several tables and showed the barmaid the invitations.  There was a long pause and then she looked at me and asked if I really knew Tom Conti; when I told her I did not know him she wanted to know why I had invited him?

Who can I invite that I do not know this time?

 

Keep fit video

Albert went out and I tried my keep fit video, the electronic lady with yellow hair was very cross with me, wanting to know where I have been for six months and I need to be more dedicated. 

 

I broke the door

I cannot use my electronic fit video because it interferes with Albert’s cricket; to solve this problem he bought me some pink dumbbells.

I was up to fifty four swings and I let go – only one panel of the patio door needs replacing.

It was Albert’s fault.

When I have taken all the glass out of the dumbbell I will workout sitting down.

 

A Greek Island

I love my children but they stress me so I have put a bid on eBay for a Greek Island, Tristan will be impressed that I am using my computing skills.

Did I mention that the island had no electricity or telephone contact?

School Reunion

Last month we had a lady turn up for the occasion and she wanted to know which school we went to – it was the school reunion of St Elene’s of Lingland near Unthank; was she at the wrong venue.  We did not recognize her.

She was not there last night but Millicent told a story of a visit to the doctors’ – she was wearing a wool hat and people were laughing at her; she had a pan scrubber attached to it and she had travelled by bus and train to her appointment. 

I would have told her.

 

 

Away again

I have been away officially for a small cosmetic adjustment; back now and feeling beautiful.

No I am not telling you which bit I had tweaked.

 

facebook obituary

I wonder if I will be on facebook after I die.

Eunice Martha Saffron Trotter esteemed writer, poet and artist - died today aged 91; she was found clutching a glass of red wine waiting for her turkey and broccoli quiche to bake she was in the middle of writing a letter to her friend Veronica.

 

 

Web sites

My year of birth is no longer on many sites, it just says pre 1950; makes me feel ancient and I am not ready to be an antique yet. 

Veronica agrees.

 

Elvis

I bought Elvis a new collar; it is yellow with imitation diamonds and has a big bell to frighten off the birds.  Veronica said cats should not have diamonds.

 

Books

I have stopped reading sexy books and I am now very comfortable with a book called Anne of Green Gables, have you heard of it?  It is a wonderful warm story of a girl called Anne, obviously – based in Avonlea in Canada; she goes to live with Mathew and Marilla and she dyes her hair green.

Try it..

I will pass it on to Veronica.

Fish oil

I bought fish oil for Albert’s heart, I told him to take it with cold water; he ignored me and swallowed it with his cup of tea.  Imagine his surprise when it melted. 

I did tell him.

 

Sad news

I write to well known authors and Maeve Binchy who died yesterday, was no exception – she corresponded with me and I got to meet her. 

Red wine was Maeve’s favourite tipple so I liked her even more; she was so lovely and friendly.

Veronica tells everyone that her friend knows famous people.

 

Lost and found

I have found my earrings, they were on the sofa; Veronica said I should clean up more often.

Still lost

I am still searching for my earrings; Veronica has offered to help me look.

Albert is worried because the hunt involves a bottle of wine.

A bell

Sally Lunn is invited to a bell ringing ceremony in the morning to celebrate the Olympics where they are giving away bacon sandwiches.  Obviously she has to take a bell and was taking along a small glass bell, no good I told her and produced my mother’s bell which had once belonged to the local school; she rang it when meals were ready and she could not find me or my siblings; the bell also has three clappers.

Veronica remembers this bell.

Frogs

I have ten frogs in my watering can.

Veronica called asking me how to cook artichokes; I have only eaten them so she will have to phone another friend.

Another book

Posy Silversleeves has offered me the sequel to twenty eight shades of grey but I need to do some housework; I will collect it tomorrow.

I do not think Veronica will like it.

Out of date

My flour needs to be used within the next three days, I have some past its prime cheese too so shall bake for Albert between trying to finish the twenty eight shades of grey book.

Veronica will have to wait.

A book

I am reading a new book called twenty eight shades of grey, I have passed page 116 which was the page recommended by the lady in the shop.

I cannot remember Albert doing that.

Veronica wants me to read it quickly so she can borrow it.

A letter

I sent a letter to our local paper and wondered why they had not published it; I realized why when the council replied to my email. 

Veronica said I should be more careful with technology.

Orange juice

I should have drunk orange juice; Violet Rose had to take me home, I must apologize to her – perhaps she is reading this?

Albert wants to take me out for the day without a coat and pork pie; he knows I have a headache.

I have lost my earrings; I was wearing them when Warwick’s kick boxer instructor was cuddling me?

A birthday treat

Warwick is thirty-five today and he is meeting up with friends in York, Albert has been invited but he did not invite his mother.

I have a plan …….  Violet Rose and I are going shopping if we set off now we could be there by 4 p.m.  We will have one drink and leave as I only want to embarrass him for a short while. 

Must go I have a fast bus to catch.

Lost shopping

I bought some new knickers and two nightdresses from my favourite shop St Michael’s Shop but when I returned home I only had the nightdresses, what happened to the knickers?

Reminds me of a job I had many years ago, gist of story – I acquired some new underwear from Father Christmas’s bran tub.  Later in the day after lunch in the nearby pub I realized my present was missing ……… rang the pub, looked in my desk, nothing.

When I left my job (I had lots) I received a large parcel, it took at least twenty minutes to open it and lo and behold inside were my missing drawers together with a compliment slip suggesting that I may need them for my new job.

I never wore them.

Fussy cat

Elvis (my cat) has a red crocheted blanket which is kept on the leather sofa, so he does not scratch it – whilst teaching Veronica to crochet I made him a green one and he does not like it.  I washed the old red one and he is happy  ….. Obviously not colour blind then.