Scuba Diving Accident

Two women were drowned whilst scuba diving off the Yorkshire coast.  Was it Eunice and Veronica?

120 words a minute and a downward 'k'

We were training to be stenographers – shorthand typists to young readers; often we had conversations in shorthand so a ten minute chat took half an hour.  I used to write my diary in shorthand to stop my Mother reading it – many years later I was reading about my adventures and “George thinks I have a nice bum” took hours to translate.

I still write notes to Veronica in shorthand but  have to translate them too, takes the fun out of it, but I could after all be saying anything and she would not know.

Green Olives and Auntie Edith

Auntie Edith (that was her real name) was head barmaid in a ‘posh’ hotel; Veronica and I often called to see her because she never told my parents.  We were at our gin and orange stage and thought we were so stylish; Auntie Edith offered us bowls of green olives and we were keen to try them.  It was very difficult trying to look suave and sophisticated whilst trying to spit them into my clean handkerchief – why didn’t Veronica use her own handkerchief? 

I must ask her if she still dislikes olives?

Car Parks

Veronica and I have had many adventures whilst driving, but this was a car park experience.  We had an audition, yes an audition at the local theatre to appear in a crowd scene and we were late, the car park was full and the car park attendant appeared verbally emphasizing that there was no room to park.

I did intend to move the car immediately but as I turned the wheel I caught my earring in the collar of my jumper and could not move – we could not stop laughing and the car park attendant was threatening to call the police because we were blocking the entrance.  Veronica had to come to my side of the car and untangle me from my jumper.

We failed the audition.

Toilet Rolls

Whilst Albert and I were in Turkey we had a leak in the bathroom, at home; not in Turkey.  Fortunately I had stock-piled a supply of toilet rolls in the corner, what luck they acted like blotting paper. 

I obviously wrote and thanked the famous toilet paper manufacturer and they sent me more toilet rolls, how kind.

How I met Albert

I visited Margaret Mary this week, over the years I have worked with her at two secret locations.  Margaret Mary remembers everything; if I need to fill a form in and cannot recall when I married Albert I call her.

We talked of many things and she asked me where I met Albert ……… now that is a story I had forgotten.

Two major things happened to me on 4 July of a certain year, one I started a new job and I had made the decision that I no longer wanted to be engaged to Desmond.

I enjoyed the first day of my new job and before I broke Desmond’s heart I went to church – why?  This was Monday.

On Wednesday morning my Mother woke me and asked who John was, how did I know; apparently I had fainted in church and was concussed for nearly two days …………………. Still did not know who John was.

I had dismissed Desmond and on the Friday returned to work and met Albert.

I will tell you about Desmond and the engagement ring another time.

Our Albert

Albert was stopped for speeding in Scarborough ………………… apparently the speed limit was 30 mph and he argued with the policeman that it was 40 mph?  I was sat under the dashboard when he told the officer he had also had a drink – tea.

He is nothing to do with me.

Veronica

Giving up drinking?

Veronica sent me a message today from a nearby pub, I dashed to meet her leaving Albert worried about his tea.

Accidents on Holiday

Albert spent a day in bed – he fell off his blow up water dragon, he blamed the sun tan lotion.

On the previous day he was sunbathing on a sun lounger and workmen were cutting down trees behind him – two large branches marginally missed him.

He thinks I have a contract out on him?

Mills and Boon

Wonderful, I have been offered a book deal.

 I wrote a story about Maurice and Meana; Meana was a truck driver for Bridget Home Stores and Maurice was a lipstick buyer for pound shop.  They met when Maurice’s scooter broke down on the bypass and Meana loaned him a spanner.  They fell in love, bought a small castle near the M62 so Meana could get to work easily and lived happily ever after. 

Obviously they did exciting things over the years but I cannot tell you that.

Veronica

She has given up drinking for summer, perhaps summer will be short.

Broken Knobs

Oh dear cleaned my cooker and the knobs fell off – will have to tell Albert we are eating out.

Sick

I have been ill, it was nothing to do with the ginger wine – I blame the spinach.

Madonna

On holiday Veronica and I met a lady called Pembe, she said it meant pink – she wanted to be like Madonna and wore bovva boots and red tights under her green dress; we liked her. 

Milan

Albert is not happy because Pierre from Scunthorpe has been in touch about my exhibition; I told Albert it is my etchings he is interested in.

………. I also forgot to tell him I enrolled on a bread making course and he will have to get his own tea for a week or two.

Not heard from Veronica, I wonder if she would like to come to Milan?

A Local Celebrity

Did I tell you about Freddy Fudd Pucker?

Another Dip in the Diary

At the airport in Turkey we waved at Alexi Sayle, even though Veronica did not know who he was; he looked surprised.

We waved at Kate Moss and she waved back.

Policemen

Albert and I were interviewed at precisely 4.24 a.m. this morning by two burly policemen, why you may ask?  We were taking Tristan (yes we have children boy type) to the airport; he was to be at our house at 4.00 a.m. and he was late and Albert insisted on walking to the village; in the rain.  We were sheltering from the rain under a large chestnut tree and had noticed the police car pass us twice and Albert was clutching a cricket bat – he was returning it to Tristan.

I thought we were going to need a lawyer but they soon realized we were unlikely burglars but did suggest we take an early morning stroll without a cricket bat in future.

Another brush with the law!

A Visit

Did I mention I called to see Veronica last night – she never makes me a cup of tea; not that she is inhospitable she always offers me a drink that comes in a glass.

After the first round of drinks the local quiz sounded like a good idea where we argued that golfers have more than five minutes to find their balls; in Midsummer Murders they have at least half an hour to find a dead body and their balls.

I have a headache today.

Scuba Diving Certificate

Veronica passed her exam but now thinks she is too old for scuba diving ………………?

Poison

Oh dear, Albert asked me to bake some lavender scones- no problem I baked a batch and whilst waiting for them to cool decided to look up lavender on the website.  Apparently only English lavender is edible others are highly toxic; my lavender is French – what to do should I give Albert a scone to test?  On hearing of my dilemma my next door neighbour has asked for two scones for her husband?

I can just see the headlines – Local Woman Kills Her Husband and her Neighbour’s Husband too.

I found a use for the scones; they make excellent briquettes on the barbeque.

A Diary

You realize that I am dipping in and out of my holiday diary and reliving many moments but I am not telling you everything.  I am back to normal now and only contact Veronica by email.

Belly Dancing Competition

I came second in the Belly Dancing Competition and won 300 lira – I won’t tell Albert.

Veronica and I entered in the karaoke finals tomorrow; we seem to be the oldest contestants. 

A boat

Did I go; Earmutt had invited me on his boat.

I was just imagining the deep blue water, the sun, the orchestra (Shirley Valentine), and the wine when my telephone rang – it was Albert and then right on queue Veronica came out of the water looking liking a wrinkled mermaid. 

Earmutt left, Albert told me he had managed to get a cancellation and was coming out to join me and Veronica suggested we went para-gliding before dinner.

Did I go para-gliding?  No I didn’t I was in the finals for the belly dancing competition and needed to practise.  She has one more day left scuba diving then we can sunbathe she said – she wants to keep an eye on me I think.

A preview

Ok a preview.

There I was sat on the beach wearing my un Catholic bikini, reading Vickie Grut and Adriana Trigiana books and along came Earmutt.  I suppose I was a bit lonely even though I had been to Wales with Vickie and Big Stone Gap with Adriana ………………… back to the story, he invited me on his boat just like Tom Conti.

Did I go?

A big mix up

I am back ..................

We went to Turkey, me and Veronica but there was a problem she booked a week and I told Albert I was away for two weeks; when I get over my Thomas Cook lag I shall tell you about it.